No matter how great your marriage is, conflict will always arise causing arguments between you and your spouse. There are many circumstances that can lead up to a fight; jealousy, when we feel our rights have been violated, our expectations have not been met, we have been hurt, disrespected, or offended. James 4:1-2  says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but you do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.” Basically  we all want things to go our way and for our desires to be fulfilled, when that don’t happen, we put up a fight. Arguments aren’t always bad though, if dealt with appropriately. The key is learning how to fight fair and resolve conflict in a way that will produce growth in your marriage.

Back in April of this year my husband and I got in our first argument since we decided to stay together four months prior. I had gotten to the point to where even though I didn’t fully trust my husband, I didn’t want to be constantly checking his phone and personal accounts but often I was tempted. One night I couldn’t sleep and I decided to get on his Facebook. I checked his search history and became very upset when I seen that he had searched two different girls that he had been interested in years before we were married. As soon as he woke up the next day I confronted him and let him know how angry I was. He totally denied searching one girls name, and the other one he admitted he looked her up to show his friend how similar she looked to a girl he was seeing. Although what he did was innocent, I tried to make him realize how even the smallest things caused me to mistrust him because he had committed adultery. He was angry that I was making a big deal out of nothing, but to me it was a big deal, especially since his affair was with a woman he met on Facebook. I asked him to think about how he would feel if he was in my shoes. We argued all day but there was some good that came from it. He said things that made me feel he was truly remorseful for his past actions. He said, “I wish you could just see that I’m in love with you and I don’t want no one else! I have no intentions of talking to other women. I realize how my mistakes have hurt you and I will never put you through that again. Can we please just live in the present and not let your insecurities destroy what we have now.” I knew he was being sincere and it made me feel good to hear him say those things. I wanted to give up all the fear I was feeling inside. A fear that one day he would betray me again and the pain would be unbearable. A fear that maybe our marriage was one big lie and I would soon find out the truth about my husband and what he had done. Like every other difficult time in my life, I cried out to God begging for His help. “God help me! I just can’t deal with all this! I can’t live like this anymore!” I was emotionally drained and angry but I knew that I had to respond to my feelings in a way that was pleasing to the Lord…. because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:20

Later that night I was still so upset that instead of spending time with Richie like I normally did in the evenings, I went to the bedroom to be alone. I wanted so badly to just go to bed mad at him and make him earn my forgiveness but that’s not what God wanted. After I prayed God kept telling me to get up and go and make things right with Richie. I tried to make excuses. “But Lord, he should be the one apologizing! I’m not in the wrong here!” The truth is when fighting with our spouses the goal is not to win the fight. “If your goal is to win the fight, you’ve already lost. Reconciliation is true victory!”-unknown

I got out of bed, went into the living room, and said to my husband, “Richie we have came too far in our marriage to go to bed mad at each other. Come in the bedroom and we are going to pray!” He came in the bedroom and we both sat on the bed. I grabbed his hand and began to pray. I said, “God please help me to trust my husband. Help us to move forward in our relationship. Please take the hurt and pain away that I’m feeling. I don’t want to fight with my husband. Help us to love one another and God continue to bless our marriage.” When I finished praying we talked for a while and I cried on his shoulder. Richie grabbed me and kissed me and then held me for a minute. We then made love with one another. I was so proud of myself for not letting my anger get the best of me.

Sometimes in marriage we treat our spouse as our enemy, and when we feel like they crossed the line we want to retaliate. No matter what your spouse has done or said, revenge is never the answer. 1 Peter 3:9 says, “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” 

Here are a few do’s and dont’s when fighting:

Do: express your feelings, listen, love, extend grace, encourage, be understanding, be willing to apologize first, forgive, be patient, be silent at times, think before speaking, be sensitive, understand their pain, see their perspective, control your actions, pray, seek reconciliation, speak truth, accept responsibility, be humble, seek peace, and honor the Lord

Don’t: let it get physical, disrespect, call names, be spiteful, degrade, react in the flesh, lie, slander, curse, let resentment build up, cling to bitterness, become so angry you sin, punish, retaliate, say everything you think, bring up the past, do something you wouldn’t want done to you

“In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Ephesians 4:26

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