When my husband Richie and I first started dating, we enjoyed doing everything together. We went to the movies, out to eat, shopping, swimming, and we took long walks in the park. Sometimes he would park his jeep in my driveway, and we would sit there talking for hours. We wanted to be together every moment possible. We wanted to learn everything there was to learn about each other. A few years into our marriage we enjoyed going on double dates with other couples, but somewhere along the way, we stopped dating. We took our focus off of our relationship, and put it on the kids, work, finances, friends, and our personal hobbies. Looking back now, I know that’s one of the biggest mistakes we made in our marriage. I believe there are a lot of married couples out there who have made that same mistake, and are now dealing with the consequences.

Over a year ago, we decided that if we was going to reconnect and grow as a couple, we would have to start dating again. We stayed committed to that plan, and it has changed our marriage dramatically. We have experienced so much fun, laughter, intimacy, and love that we never thought we could get back. Think about when you first started dating your spouse. How you anticipated their arrival. How you got butterflies in your stomach as you put on a nice outfit and fixed your hair to impress them. How excited you were every time they called or you seen their face. How you enjoyed surprising them with gifts, or taking them somewhere romantic. How you took pleasure in posing for the camera, just so you could give them a copy of your best picture. How you wanted to cook their favorite meals and buy them their favorite desserts. How every joke that came from their mouth was funny, and nothing they did seemed to bother you because you were so in love. Whoever said those feelings had to stop? Who said that kind of excitement for your spouse couldn’t last forever? That it was only a fantasy you see in movies? Researchers say that kind of feeling can only last two years at the max. Well I believe that researchers should change that conclusion. The truth is the reason those feelings go away after two years, is because we stop investing in our relationship. We do everything to win our spouse over, to get them to marry us, and then we become complacent. We stop giving ourselves to each other. If there’s one thing I learned, it’s that what you put into the marriage, will be what you get out of it. “Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”(Luke 6:38) A lot of people only think of money when they read that scripture, but we can also apply it to love. I have given so much love to my husband over the past year, and in return I have felt a love that’s overflowing.

The sad part to this whole truth is that once a relationship has gotten to that point, most people then believe they married the wrong person. They lose all hope that they’ll ever feel the way they once did about their spouse. And because they don’t feel like loving, they don’t do it. God never intended for us to always base our actions off of our feelings. Think about your relationship with God. You might not always feel like praying, reading your Bible, or going to church. You might be too busy to spend time with Him. But if you don’t do those things, you won’t have a very intimate relationship with God, and you won’t grow as a Christian. Well it’s the same thing in marriage. If you stop spending quality time together, hugging, kissing, talking, and showing the act of love, then your relationship will suffer. Many of us use the excuse, “Well they’re not doing their part so I’m not going to do mine!” That’s the wrong mentality and will only lead to a disconnect with your spouse. “Every marriage is moving toward oneness or drifting towards isolation.”-Family Life

When my husband and I quit investing in our marriage, we both felt very lonely. We had emotional and physical needs that needed to be met. The difference is he went to another woman to have those needs met, and I bottled all my feelings up inside, while keeping myself busy with our kids and ministry. What my husband didn’t realize at the time, what a lot people don’t realize, is that getting with someone else is not the solution to the problem. Sure getting with someone else, someone new might give you that excited feeling again, but eventually those feelings will come to an end just like they did before. If we want a true lasting love, we have to learn to love unconditionally. To love even when we don’t feel like it. Even when we learn our spouse’s flaws and weaknesses. Even when life gets busy and every day worries consume us. Even when we are exhausted from caring for our kids and cleaning house. My husband and I both wish we would have realized a long time ago what are marriage could be if only we followed God’s design for it. That if we both kept acting in love, the feelings wouldn’t have left. Now our marriage feels like going on a date every day. It’s like having a sleepover with our best friend every night. It’s full of love, forgiveness, and grace. It reflects God’s Holy word. We are both so very thankful to experience that and we are committed that no matter what, we will never return to our old ways. We will never let anything in this world take priority over our marriage, and we will trust God’s guidance as we continue this journey.

If you feel you and your spouse are disconnected and your marriage is more like two roommates living together, then here are some tips to help you reconnect with your partner:

1. Talk openly about it
2. Pray together
3. Plan date nights
4. Be consistent
5. Allow God to change you
6. Touch each other (Hold hands, hug, kiss, cuddle)
7. Bring back old habits (Things you did when you first met) ex: Richie and I kiss at red lights
8. Be willing to try new things
9. Go on a couple’s vacation
10. Attend a Marriage Retreat/Conference
11. Seek Counsel
12. Become a fan of what your spouse is a fan of
13. Express your love (even if they aren’t expressing it back at first, be patient)
14. Study your spouse’s likes/dislikes
15. Talk on the phone
16. Send sweet texts
17. Write love letters
18. Take pictures together
19. Reminisce on the past (Why you two fell in love in the first place)

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8).

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God…(1 John 4:7).

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