It was a cold winter night and I was out by myself doing some Christmas shopping. I had not bought my husband any gifts yet because the thought alone was dreadful. We had already decided on a separation, and my plan was to move out before the new year. As I was shopping for him, the song “I’ll be home for Christmas” played on the radio in the store. My eyes filled with tears as I thought to myself, “This will be our last Christmas together.” Richie and I had celebrated holidays with one another for 13 years, and it saddened me to think that we would no longer make those memories ever again.
Christmas was only a few days away and I was busy at the church working on our play, ”The Christmas County Spelling Bee.” Although my life seemed like a train wreck at the time, I didn’t want to let my youth pastor down, so I stayed committed to teaching the kids all the dance moves for the play. Richie always hated how much time I spent at the church. He often told me that all I cared about was church and pageants. I just wanted to do God’s work and I never realized how it made my husband feel last on my priority list. On the way to practice, I decided it was a good time to tell my oldest son that I was getting an apartment. I said to him, “Jaiden, your dad and I our having a lot of problems right now and we think it would be best to split up for a while. This doesn’t mean we will never get back together, but we need some time apart.” Deep down in my heart I knew this was the end of my marriage and we were headed for a divorce but I had to give him some hope, although I had none. He looked up at me and I could see worry on his face. Tears began falling from his little eyes and it broke my heart. I felt as though I had failed as a wife and as a mom.
Richie had told me to hurry back home after practice because he had plans with a friend. I was suspicious of what he had planned and I thought up different ways in my head that I could follow him. I thought maybe I could ask a neighbor to drive me, or jump in my car as soon as he left, but I had the kids and I definitely didn’t want to get them involved. I got home, he drove off, and I immediately began looking up ways to track his cell phone. I just knew he was in the arms of another woman and I was so upset. I couldn’t figure out why though. I mean after all I never showed him any love or affection. I had the opportunity to be in his arms but I didn’t want to be. I even got so mad that I said I wasn’t in love with him and that I didn’t care if he cheated. Part of me really believed that. I knew he deserved happiness and I didn’t make him happy anymore. There was even a time in our marriage I remember thinking, “I just wish he would cheat, because then I could divorce him and it would be okay with God.” I can’t believe I thought that way! I was a horrible wife who spent most of my time daydreaming what it would be like to be with a man who went to church every Sunday, that prayed, and read the Bible. Richie knew I desired that and it made him feel inadequate as a husband. He always felt like he could never live up to my standards. That night I did track his phone but he got the notification and cut the GPS off before I could find out where he was. He came home late, hours after I had went to bed.
The next day I invited Richie to come and watch the Christmas play. After it was over the youth pastor stood up and said, “I want to give a huge thanks to the two special women that helped make tonight’s event possible.” He asked the pastor’s wife and me to stand up as he presented us each with a bouquet of roses and a hug. Richie came up to me and congratulated me on doing such a great job with the kids. I think he seen something special in me that night. Perhaps he realized that the time I spent at church was for a good cause. Afterwards I took the kids out to eat at Logan’s. I didn’t invite Richie because I wanted him to get a taste of what it would feel like once I moved out. I left my phone in the car and when we got done eating, I had missed calls and text messages from him wanting to know where we was at. I’m sure his feelings were hurt that he was left out.
A couple of days later I woke up to a long text from Richie that said, “I’m going to try to explain this the best way I know how. I’ve been in love with you since you were 12 years old. I’ve always felt as though I’ve loved harder than you have. I would love to keep our family together, but I’m just not sure we can make each other happy anymore. Do you think I want to date? I don’t even know how to date. I’ve only dated you for the past 13 years. I know you’re hurt right now because I have given up on our marriage, but you hurt me all the times you had given up before. Just answer this one question, is the way you’ve been acting lately genuine or are you just doing it because it’s the right thing to do?” I replied and told him I was really being genuine and that the marriage retreat motivated me to be a better wife. I thought maybe that would make him fight for our marriage, fight for me, but instead he told me I waited too late to change.
Christmas came and went, and in the meantime I found an apartment. I was actually getting a little excited that I was about to start a new chapter in my life. On December 29, 2014 I received the call that I needed to come sign a one year lease for my new place. I should have been happy, but instead, I got real emotional and sat in my car and cried. I prayed to God begging for his guidance and wisdom to help me make the right decision. God laid it on my heart to ask Richie one last time if he truly wanted the separation. I sent him a text that said, “I got the apartment and they want me to sign the lease today. Once I sign it there’s no turning back, I will be gone for one year. Is this really what you want?” He replied, “No, I want to talk about it more.” I told him that day that I needed him to be completely open and honest with me. He said ok and I prepared my heart to finally find out the truth.
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