To all my coworkers it was just another Monday. The day we all return back to work and anticipate a busy day, but to me it was much more than that. It was the day after I had just experienced the worst weekend of my life. I was heartbroken, depressed, and frail. My body felt weightless because I had only eaten a few bites of food in the past 48 hours. I was anxious just thinking about the day ahead of me, and being away from my husband. Although he was the one who caused my pain, his presence brought me happiness and comfort in ways that were hard to explain. I prayed in the car the whole way to work asking God to give me peace.

After arriving at work I called my coworkers who are also some of my best friends, into the medicine room so I could talk to them. I explained how I had found out more about the affair, then I emotionally broke down. I told them I didn’t know what to do and I still felt like I was missing a piece of the puzzle. They encouraged me to have a talk with Richie asking him to completely come clean of his secrets. They also reminded me that for weeks my husband had being trying his hardest to make our marriage work, and that I needed to stay focused on the good and not the bad. They were right, Richie and I had both changed tremendously in just a few months and I didn’t want to let past occurrences ruin our progress.

I have always been the type of nurse who tries to comfort my patients when they are sad or in pain, but that particular day I was the one that needed it. I always take time out of my work day to pray for my patients, read devotions to them, and share God’s word, but I was not myself that day and I needed someone to do that for me. I was an emotional train wreck. I stopped several times during my medicine pass and found a bathroom to cry and pray in. I decided that when I got home I was going to beg for the truth. I wanted everything out in the open so that I wouldn’t have to worry about finding out more secrets in the future that would crush my spirit and break my heart even more. I had questions and I needed answers.

I texted Richie before I got home and told him to read something I had written. The previous night I had gotten up out of my sleep and wrote down everything I was feeling mentally, spiritually, and emotionally into a notebook. I wrote down every question I still had about the affair and then I left it in the kitchen where he could find it. I wanted him to realize what I was going through and to understand why it was important for me to get answers. I was ready to finally close that chapter in our lives. After he read what I wrote, he responded with this: “We met twice. Our first date was when I took her to Atlanta and the second time I took her to Chilis. We never had sex, I never took her to a hotel or to the movies. The night we went to Chilis was the night you tracked my phone.” I read that text after pulling into our driveway. I went into the house, sat beside him on the couch, and in a loving and calm way began to talk.

“Why didn’t you just tell me everything in the beginning?” I asked.

“I thought if I told you the truth you wouldn’t want to give our marriage another try.” He replied.

“Don’t you realize that for 6 weeks I have been trying to get over an emotional affair, only to find out it was a  physical one? Now I have to start all over with the healing process.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you.”

“Did you do anything sexual with her?”

“She rubbed on me through my pants while we kissed. Do you really want to know this stuff?”

“But you didn’t have sex with her?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“The night you took her to Chilis you turned your phone off after I tracked it.”

“No, I just turned the GPS off but I rushed and took her home because I got the text you was tracking me.”

“Did she want to have sex with you?”

“Yes, and I told her I wanted to have sex with her too, but we couldn’t go to her house since she lived with her parents and we couldn’t come here.”

“Is there anything else I need to know?”

“No.”

“Ok, I won’t bring it up again. I will do whatever it takes to get over this even if I have to get counseling. Please if you ever feel like you are tempted to do this again will you come to me and tell me how you are feeling?”

“Yes I will.”

After that conversation I went and got in the bath tub. I began processing everything he said. It hurt but I felt some sort of relief. I heard things I didn’t want to hear, but the truth was better than the awful things I had been imagining in my head. I wondered if by me tracking him that night prevented them from having sex. His honesty that night was a turn on. It made him more desirable to me and I thanked him for his willingness to be open with me.

The love I have for my husband now is unconditional. That means that even though he betrayed me, broke my trust, and created a tragic event in my life, I still love him. Not only do I love him, but I am committed to treating him as if he is the best husband in the world. As if he never did any of those things. See when God forgives us from our sins they are completely removed. His word says in Psalm 103:12, As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgression from us. And Hebrews 8:12 says, For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more. What do you think our relationship with God would be like if he kept an account of everything we did wrong? If he stayed focused on our weaknesses and faults, rather than the good qualities and characteristics He put in us? I don’t think that type of relationship could have oneness or intimacy at all. It’s the same thing in our marriage. In order to break those walls down that have built up causing separation and isolation in our relationship, we must be willing to grant forgiveness, love, mercy, and grace.

To this day I’m not one hundred percent positive that my husband has told me everything, but I am one hundred percent sure that I can put all my trust in God. If there is any more pieces to the puzzle and God wants me to know about it, then I trust that He will reveal it to me. I will no longer search for more answers related to my husband’s affair because I am looking ahead. I am excited about what God is doing and is going to do in our marriage!

….forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, … Phillipians 3:13-14

I hope you have enjoyed reading my blog and I pray that it blesses your marriage in some way! Please take the time to like my page on facebook at www.facebook.com/transformedwife and you can also subscribe to my email so you will be updated every time I publish a new post. Feel free to email me at Rachel@transformedwife.com with any questions or concerns. You can also leave a comment below!