For the past few months, everything has been going so great. My husband and I have been happier than ever, my ministry is growing more than I could have imagined, and I’ve become so good at redirecting painful memories of the affair. In fact, I’ve been so busy focusing on all the good things God is doing, that I’ve barely even thought about the emotional pain that still lingers on inside of me. But I’m sure you can relate when I say, “There’s always a storm waiting to rain on your parade.”
Last week my husband had to take our 3 kids to the dentist for a checkup. After I got off work I called him to see how it went. He said, “It went good, but there’s something I need to tell you. I wasn’t sure if I should tell you or not because I don’t want to upset you, but I ran into (the other woman) at the dentist.” I replied, “Well I know running into her is out of your control, but did she try to talk to you?” He said, “No, she didn’t. She left shortly after we arrived.”
I was very calm on the phone and I thought I handled it well, but as soon as we hung up with one another, I immediately let my emotions take over. The enemy began to fill my head with insecurities and fear. I thought to myself, I wonder what she was wearing? I wonder if Richie was staring at her? Did it spark any old feelings for him? Did she look prettier than me? I began to get anxious. I began to feel like my marriage was being threatened. Everything I had worked so hard to put behind me, was now right in my face again. I just wanted to cry, so I did. I was so discouraged. I questioned why God was allowing things from the past to keep popping up. I felt like I was in a never-ending story of the past. I began to feel hopeless again, like there’s no escape from my husband’s mistakes.
Later that day I expressed to Richie how I was feeling. He assured me that she meant nothing to him anymore, and it was very uncomfortable for him seeing her again. He reminded me how far we have come from the past, and explained how he only told me about the incident because he wanted to be completely open and honest. I was proud of him for being honest, but I was feeling overwhelmed with emotions. I let anger rise up in me and I wrote this to my husband:
In the future I would prefer not to know if you run into her. Besides sharing my testimony, I don’t want to think about the other women. I don’t want to hear about them, I don’t want to see their pictures, I don’t want to remember them in my house, and I don’t want to deal with them period!!! I don’t need any reminders of what you did! I’m sick of dealing with your sin!
After writing that, I spent the next couple of days distanced from my husband. He did nothing wrong, but I just needed time to think. I thought about the way I reacted and the words I said. I thought about how God had truly transformed me, my husband, and our marriage. I thought to myself, why am I letting something so small and so meaningless, get me so off track? I began to feel disappointed in myself. I had been praying, fasting, reading the Bible, and teaching on all these things; yet the moment I was tested, I failed miserably. It showed me that I am still a work in progress, and I need God just as much today as I did back then.
By the end of the week, I knew I had to put everything behind me, apologize to Richie, and get back on track. While my daughter was at gymnastics practice, I sat in my car praying. I said, “Dear Lord, I’m so sorry that I didn’t handle this situation better. I should have easily been able to stand against this attack from Satan. But instead, I’ve let my emotions and fear control my actions. Please forgive me, and please help me to get past this.” I turned on the radio and heard these words, “God’s not mad at you.” Those words pierced right through my soul, and I began to cry uncontrollably. I felt God’s presence. I felt His love, and I felt His grace. It was the one of the most comforting feelings I’ve ever felt. His spirit spoke to me and said, “I know you’re not perfect. I know you’re not always going to get it right, but I still love you the same. And when you are weak, I am strong.”
That day I was filled with joy and peace. My eyes were opened wider to experience his love and grace. And it’s because of His love and grace that’s given to me so freely, that I’m able to extend it to my husband. It’s because He loves me even when my behavior changes, that I can love my husband unconditionally. As much as I hate going through various trials in my life, I can honestly say that God has taught me something each time. Because of life lessons, I am becoming wiser and stronger each day. So thank you Lord for the trials. Thank you Lord for the storms, because without them, I wouldn’t be who I am. If you’re facing a storm right now, I want you to do what the Bible says, and COUNT IT ALL JOY!
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