It was the middle of January and it had only been a few weeks since the restoration of our marriage had begun. In just that short amount of time, my life was changing in ways I would have never imagined. Some of the changes were good, and made me proud of who I was becoming, while other changes saddened me and left me longing for parts of me I knew I would never get back.

For years I had enjoyed watching romance movies. My favorite television station had always been Lifetime. Their movies are filled with love scenes, infidelity, lies, betrayal, and destroyed relationships, but it had always been entertaining to me. After my husband’s affair, I began hating those movies. In fact, I couldn’t stand to watch any movie about two people meeting each other and falling in love. Every time I tried, I would imagine Richie and the other woman. I would wonder what pick up line he used, what attracted him to her in the first place, and what kind of conservations they had. I imagined in my head that their story was just like one I had seen in a movie, and for that reason the part of me that always desired to watch love stories left.

I’ve always heard that a relationship with no trust, isn’t a relationship at all. Well I don’t agree with that statement, but I do know the effects that broken trust has on a relationship are challenging. The trust I once had for my husband is now gone. Richie had been so dishonest with me in the past, that I started acting in a manner that made me feel like a crazy woman. I was always checking his phone, tracking his location to make sure he was where he said he was, and I would search his clothes looking for receipts, bank statements, etc. Exactly two weeks after the affair, was one of the hardest nights for me. Richie had left for job training in Nashville and I was at home alone with the kids. I had kissed him on the lips, hugged him tight, and said goodbye to him that day when he left. I told him just how much I would miss him and that I couldn’t wait for his return in three days, That night he called me before I went to bed and we had a great conversation. We talked for hours like we did when we was teenagers, but still I had this feeling that by him being away from me and alone in a hotel room, he would get the temptation to reach out to the other woman. I was so worried that I couldn’t sleep, I tossed and turned in the bed, my stomach was in knots, and I had diarrhea. I thought to myself, “Why don’t they put this kind of stuff in movies? Maybe if they showed the aftermath of infidelity, people would think twice before cheating.” Hours went by and I got the urge to reactivate my Facebook account just to see if he had reactivated his. Sure enough he had, and I just knew in my heart that he was at the hotel room chatting with her on his account. I immediately called him but I got no answer. I texted him and told him to call me as soon as he woke up. I even sent her a personal message asking if he had contacted her, but before she could respond I logged out. I didn’t get very much sleep that night, so when I left for work at 6:30am, I was exhausted. I was so emotional after arriving at my job that I could barely concentrate on what I was doing. Richie finally called me and I told him my suspicions and questioned him about Facebook. He told me that he had reactivated his acount before arriving at the hotel and he sent me screenshots to prove it. He promised me that he had no intentions to reach out to her and he said, “It’s been two weeks, I don’t even think about her. ” He admitted that the first few days he had temptations to contact her but after seeing the changes in me, the temptations went away. That was hard for me to believe but then I thought, “Maybe their relationship wasn’t as close as I thought.” Still I was upset that he got back on Facebook so soon and didn’t bother to tell me. He apologized and stated if I didn’t want him on there then he would deactivate it again. I said, “I’m sorry for being like this, but you made me this way.” He said, “I understand because I have trust issues too. It’s hard for me to trust that the changes you are making are genuine and you’re not just going through the motions.” I hated that his actions caused me to be so mistrusting and paranoid, but I was glad that he was willing to do what I desired to work on our marriage. I was scared that bitterness would rise up in my heart towards Richie for making me feel that way, so I prayed to God daily asking him to show me how to start rebuilding trust for my husband.

Their are other things about me that changed and some issues I still deal with today. Before, it didn’t bother me that much if Richie looked at a beautiful woman in the mall, but now I can’t stand to see him look at anyone else. He’s always told me that it’s innocent look but I don’t think he realizes how it makes me feel. If he stares at a lady with big breasts then I feel like mine aren’t big enough. If he stares at someone with a big butt then it makes me insecure about the size of mine. I’ve always been a very confident woman. I’ve always felt beautiful with or without makeup, but when your cheated on, it leaves you feeling insecure and believing you’re not good enough. I feel the need to impress Richie by wearing more makeup, fixing my hair, and dressing sexier, but my hope is that he sees the true beauty in me. Proverbs 31:30 says Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

When I’m driving down the road I always look at every black car that passes because that’s the color car that she drives. If I see Richie looking at a black car I wonder if he is looking for her. I live with a fear that I’m going to see her again at a red light or walk pass her in a store. I fear that one day she will contact me and tell me that all the awful things I imagined they did together are true. I wish I didn’t know her name or anything about her. I wish I could erase the portrait of her face out of my mind.

Although infidelity has scarred me for life and left me with feelings that are sometimes overwhelming, I am proud of the transformation and positive changes in my life. Not only did it motivate me to take every step required to becoming a biblical wife pleasing to God and my husband, but I also went deeper in my relationship with God than ever before. I started working out, journaling, teaching, encouraging, and discovering who I am in Christ. I always tell people that if I had the choice to change what had been done to me and have my old marriage back, or to choose what actually happened to me and have the marriage I have now, I would choose going through what I did. Who I am now and the marriage I have now is better than I could have ever dreamed of. I’m happier, I’m more committed, I’m braver, I’m stronger, and I’m wiser. May God continue to shape me and mold me into everything He designed me to be.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Cor 5:17

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