I know I can’t expect everyone to understand why I stay in a marriage that has a history of dishonesty, hurt, and betrayal, but I can guarantee you it doesn’t mean I’m weak. In fact, I will prove to you that it means I’m strong. And it’s not by my strength, but the Lord’s…the Lord is the strength of my life…(Psalm 27:1).

“I could never get over that! How will you ever trust again? How do you know he won’t do it again? I would leave if I were you!” Those are comments and questions I’ve heard from family and friends who know what I’ve had to endure. I’ve even thought all of that to myself at times. I’ve thought that walking away would be an easier path for me to take. Maybe it would be, but who says I want to take an easy path. It’s the struggles in this life, and in our marriage, that strengthen us the most. That make us grow and teach us how to be more like Christ. Gary Chapman asks the question in his book Sacred Marriage “Would you rather have an easy life and remain immature in Christ, or face struggles and become a mature Christian?” The truth is most of us don’t want to go through hard times. It definitely hasn’t been fun for me having to go through all I’ve been through in my marriage, and losing a best friend in the midst of it. But reminding myself of all the work God’s done in me and my husband, I know it’s well worth it. Richie and I both agree that if we wouldn’t have faced these struggles, we wouldn’t be where we are today. I’m not sure we would have ever learned what marriage is really all about, and how it truly reflects the relationship between God and His people. Maybe you’d rather avoid trials at all costs, but the scripture says, Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:2-3). 

For anyone who thinks I’m too weak to leave, let me tell you just how much energy and strength it takes to make it through each day. As soon as I wake up I start having thoughts about my husband with other women, so I immediately have to start praying. On my way to work I spend time in worship, thanking God for all He’s done and asking Him to help me have joy and peace despite all the pain in my heart. Sometimes while I’m at work I will have a bad thought and I have to start speaking the word of God out loud and against Satan. Often the thoughts make me physically sick; from being nauseous, to having headaches, and even running to the bathroom. If one of my patients has their tv on a soap opera that’s full of lies, infidelity, etc., I try to hurry and get out of the room. When I hear coworkers talking about men they’ve met online, I have to try not to let it remind me of the things my husband did online. When I get home and see my husband, God has to stengthen me so I don’t look at him and become bitter or anger. It takes the Lord’s help to see him with eyes of mercy and grace. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13). When he touches me or we have sex, I have to pray that I won’t become weak and let the enemy control my thoughts. And before I go to bed I have to pray for God to protect me from bad dreams (I’ve had some pretty horrible nightmares in the past year). I’ve had to cut out most tv and movies unless it’s something funny that helps me take my mind off things. That’s only a short list of what I have to do to stay strong and to stay focused on God’s truth.

Sounds likes a lot huh? It is a lot and it isn’t easy for me by no means, but I do it because I love my husband and I trust the Lord. I trust that He has plan for us way bigger than we can even imagine. I trust that God will get me through this one day at a time. I trust that with time the pain will go away. I trust that everything I’ve faced is making me into the woman God wants me to be. And I trust that God’s word is true when it says, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Cor 13:4-7). 

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